As I sit with my coffee, Cowboy Junkies, and thoughts early this morning, I am not only pondering over just this recent week, but the past two weeks and all of the ups and downs that came with them. My birthday celebration with my husband and friends kicked things off so perfectly, I felt nothing but love and happiness, then last weekend I hurtled into a low quite unlike anything I can recall experiencing. The root of this low was based on something within my professional life, something completely ridiculous and based solely on one person’s unjustified perception – but it impacted me, severely.
I found myself last Saturday morning curled up into a ball on the couch, near the verge of tears and I couldn’t understand why I didn’t want to leave this place. I was trying to fight off the feelings, but they were so overwhelming. I was genuinely overcome with sadness, and while I had every right to feel this way and then some, it was overtaking me far more than I was comfortable with. I didn’t want to write, I didn’t want to eat, and I definitely did not want to work out. But after several hours of this gloom and doom, I forced myself out into the garage to at least try to muster up the strength to do a bit of weight lifting, because I knew it would help…and help, it did. It didn’t miraculously turn things around, but it did help me turn the corner. It took a few days before I was able to fully shake things off, but by Wednesday of this week, the outlook was much brighter.
I’ll have a large hormonal shift with a side of work stress and a small anxiety, please.
I told my husband that it made me question things about myself – was this the start of some hormonal shift within me now that I’m 42? It’s called perimenopause, right? Is that even a real thing? Or, is it some sort of mild bout of depression, or just something related to the anxiety that I’ve carried with me in my life? I’ll say this, my personal life is incredibly happy and pleasant, and typically my professional one is pretty okay, but it’s not without it’s serious stresses, and I’m not sure if the stress is just starting to finally wear on me, or if it’s one of the above possibilities. Maybe it’s just a combo – I’ll have a large hormonal shift with a side of work stress and a small anxiety, please. Whatever happened, I’m not sure this is something I need to be overly concerned with as it was one bad episode, but it definitely caught my attention.
I’ll make a back alley deal to score some endorphins any day of the week…
So what are my next steps here? Number one, I’m due for my annual visit with the OB/GYN, which is always a party, but a perfect setting to talk about hormones. Side note: I hate hormones. Next up, meditation. I’ve tried to jump on the meditation train in the past to help manage stress, I bought the pillow and found a space where I could zone out and develop my mad meditation skills. But after a week or two, the pillow starts to collect dust and the only time I zone out is when I watch a mind-numbing episode of the Real Housewives flavor of the week. I’m challenging myself to take meditation more seriously as I have this sneaking suspicion that I’m going to need it. Finally, I’m left with exercise. I’ll make a back alley deal to score some endorphins any day of the week – those suckers are worth it, but they don’t always come easily. But hard work pays off, right?
Here’s to hoping that the hormone talk is not yet necessary, and that the rest of my self-prescribed treatment does the trick and keeps things in check. Only a little over a week in and already 42 is hard.
Some worthwhile reads (somewhat) related to this Sunday’s reflections:
Feeling Not Quite Yourself – So, perimenopause might be an actual thing.
10% Happier – A book by Dan Harris that I greatly enjoyed a couple of years ago, and one I plan to revisit.
Oh no, Not You Again – Okay, so totally unrelated to my post above, but a blogger that I’ve grown to love reading, and her latest post took me a bit out of my own head when the mood needed to be lightened up around here. This is a fun and sometimes dirty blog, in a very southern Carrie Bradshaw sort of way.