Wednesdays are typically set aside for quotes that inspire me or that are pertinent in what is happening in my life at that moment. Given my complete lack of writing these days, the only thing that continued to go through my head this morning was that I needed a go-to quote about balance in life. The truth is, I just didn’t find anything that spoke to me, nothing that really fit where my head space is today, other than feeling the need for just one extra day each week. A day where I could actually not think about work for a change. A day where I could write, catch up on sleep, go to yoga, catch up on laundry or clean out my closet. Just one extra day to help me find some balance that I just can’t seem to grab hold of lately.

I feel guilty for even whining about this. Coming from a woman who doesn’t even have kids and all the work that goes along with that madness, it somehow doesn’t feel right to even fuss about losing balance in my world. Yet, here I am. I am consumed by my work most days, because I have a job that doesn’t exactly let me shut things off when I come home. The intensity of my work is only growing, as my already heavy workload is only increasing with no real relief in sight and that adds a very heavy weight to my already heavy shoulders. You see, I am a bit of a perfectionist (which doesn’t help), and as my workload increases, the pressure of missing important details is ever looming and compounding the stress. Even with a pending vacation, I know that it will still be impossible to shut down and truly recharge, I’ll have no choice but to send time working because that is the nature of my business and the expectation, which is just quite sad.

…in all things there must be balance.

Don’t get me wrong, I like what I do and love who I work for, and I am certainly all about strong work ethic and dedication, but in all things there must be balance. Unfortunately, finding balance in such an environment is challenging, if not impossible. These days, I’m just trying to get through and make time for the things I love, but I haven’t been very successful with my attempts. Sure, my weekends are usually quite fun – time spent with my husband and friends is always great, but I also find that I might be hitting the sauce too much as a way to relax and let go of the stresses. Before you know it, Saturday is just a blur, and Sunday I wake up immediately feeling the anxiety of the work week looming ahead of me.

I’m taking a step back to really look at myself and try to figure out where I can make changes that will really make a difference. Changes that will give me the opportunities to write, take care of my home, enjoy my husband and my animals, and not feel all-consumed with work. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, it’s clear to me that I need to exercise caution with the drinking, that doesn’t seem to be helping my situation any, but it isn’t going to be the only change that needs to take place. I suppose that is a good place to start, but there is still a good deal of soul-searching in the days ahead.

I will say that beyond my husband and home life, writing and this blog are extremely important to me. Writing builds me up and energizes me, I must not lose sight of that and let the days drift by without giving this attention. I need to find a way. With that, I’ll leave you with a small quote after all…

Writing is not a matter of time, but a matter or of space. If you don’t keep space in your head for writing, you won’t write even if you have the time.

– Katerina Stoykova Klemer

Groggy Head

ClockThe alarm rang quite early this morning and my groggy head just couldn’t be bothered to lift up off the pillow. The plan was to get back on track with my plan to to hit the gym before work in the morning, but I’m having a good deal of difficulty getting things back in order after all the time off from being sick. I did get my first workout back in on Tuesday this week, but I’ve been down again since then. My cough is still at it, waking me up in the middle of the night, which creates enough of a disruption that sleep is difficult resulting in the groggy head lift problem.

Without the workouts, I’m also making some poor food choices and resorting to those after work drinks again. It’s such a vicious cycle and one that I know I need to break. Why is it so hard to get back into a routine again? It wasn’t so long ago that I was going at it full force. I keep telling myself that once I get rolling, the motivation will come right back – but telling myself and actually doing it are clearly two different things.

The barbell is calling my name – it’s just a little difficult to hear over this bugger of a cough. Here’s to hoping for restful sleep tonight.


Sometimes You Just Need A Donut

Last weekend, I had planned a big weekend while my husband was in a class for two days. A big weekend of writing and of house projects, a big weekend of just taking care of myself. Well, I took care of myself, alright – with a visit to urgent care. After struggling through Saturday with an achy chest and lethargy, my Sunday morning doc visit confirmed that I had walking pneumonia. Let me tell you that this stuff is no joke, and the cough the came along with it might have been the worst of my life. After a week and two doctor’s visits, medicine on top of medicine, and lots of time on the couch, I am finally feeling better. Not in the “I can jump up and start working out now” feeling better way, but the “thank whatever god there is that I am not coughing to the point of choking and gagging” way.

One would think that I would’ve taken advantage of the time at home for writing and just taking it easy, but not so. Nearly every moment of every day and sleepless night (there were a lot of sleepless nights) was spent doing the work I get paid for as I’m under a tremendous deadline at the moment. I worked so much, that when I had to visit the doctor again on Thursday because I just wasn’t improving, he told me that it was time turn the computer off. Despite me thinking that working while laying on the couch counted as resting, it was causing stress to my system, which was having an adverse affect on my healing. When I emailed my boss that afternoon to tell him I had to shut down and try to force some rest, his response was “It took your doctor to get this through your head?”. I probably should’ve listened to my body, but the incredible weight of the work that needed to be done was hanging heavy on my shoulders, but I did finally stop and take a break. Between the forced rest, lots of water, and the wicked combination of cough meds, I finally started improving.

I may have had a hard time listening to my body screaming at me for a break, but I didn’t have any trouble listening to it tell me how much it wanted junk food while I was sick. I wasn’t eating much, but when I did I indulged in whatever my body told me it wanted. Ham sandwiches and salty potato chips, meatball subs, a cheeseburger, and donuts. Yes, I topped off my week of illness on Sunday

morning with donuts. I have been craving a good donut from my favorite local shop for a number of months, but have avoided it given my fitness goals. Well, I took advantage of my sick time to enjoy every bite of a lemon filled donut – plus one with sprinkles for good measure.


Showing my Carolina Panther pride!

Is there some grand lesson learned here? Not much more than needing to listen to my body and give it what it needs. Did I miss a week of workouts? Yes. Did I eat junk food all week? Yes. Do I feel guilty about any of it? Not one bit. Sometimes you just need a donut.



Where I Want To Be

I previously noted the name change to the blog, but why did this feel like the right choice for me? As I’ve already touched on briefly, a couple of years ago, I found myself stepping into a CrossFit box, and it terrified me. I had never been athletic, I always felt a bit awkward, and couldn’t even jump rope properly during one of my first on-ramp classes. My legs were kicking all over the place and I was struggling to breathe. Worse yet, I was in the class with just one other girl – someone much younger than me, who also happened to be a very well coordinated gymnast. It was downright embarrassing when the coach had to teach me how to jump rope and here she was showing off her mad skills on the rope, followed by a display of handstand walks as she obnoxiously tried to impress the coach, which fortunately didn’t seem to have the desired effect.  Seriously…I had to learn how to jump rope. Something I did all the time when I was a kid, it should be easy, right?  I wanted to run right out the door and never come back, but the coach was so supportive and encouraging, telling me that this is a common problem. I got the feeling that he may have just been trying to make me feel a little better, but either way, his support worked and I powered through despite Miss Gymnast’s antics, and came back for the next session. She, however, did not.

I continued to face fears with every class I attended, always feeling like I was never as good as anyone else, and I was sure that they would be making fun of me behind my back – but that was never the case. This wasn’t high school, after all. I remember the first day that I had to do a strict press with the barbell, I was just working with a 15 pound training bar to practice my form with the movement, and when it came time to add bumper plates to it, I was nervous. I built up the weight slowly and struggled a bit, but was so excited when I was able to lift 35 pounds over my head. It was pretty much all I could do at that time, but I couldn’t get over the thrill of what it felt like to lift weights. Picking up that barbell was, and continues to be, empowering. A level of confidence that I never experienced during my life started to creep in after spending some time with the weights, and seeing that I was capable of far more than I had ever realized continues to drive me to do even more with this life of mine. It isn’t always easy, I still struggle to maintain consistency with my workouts, and I clearly still experience anxiety from time to time, but when I think of lifting that barbell over my head for the first time, I am reminded of what it does for my soul.

The wanderings part of the new name really comes with the fact that this blog of mine is obviously a bit of a hodge-podge of me. Who knows where my journey through this life as a 40-something will lead me, but I have a pretty good idea of what I want out of it, and it definitely involves growth. Stepping outside of my box, facing things that scare me, and building myself into a strong and confident woman, this is where I want to be.

Sunday Reflection

Being a morning person is one my favorite things about myself. I realize that most people like to sleep in on the weekends, but there is nothing quite like waking up with the sunrise and knowing that I have a full and beautiful day ahead of me. I want to squeeze every drop out of the weekend that I can and Sunday mornings might just be my favorite. I try to sneak quietly out of bed so as not to wake my sleeping husband, who prefers to sleep in, and today was successful. Before even firing up the coffee pot, I took a moment out to enjoy the way the rising sun filters through our home.


This was undoubtedly a morning for reflection, and one of my favorite ways to enjoy moments like this is with a record…and coffee. There must always be coffee.


I am grateful today that despite the difficult time I had last week, it’s long over and I am setting my intention for a successful and pleasant week ahead. I know that it may not be perfect and it will carry it’s own challenges, but I will face them and then let them go.

I am also grateful for pushing myself to go to Crossfit yesterday. I knew that I would look back on yesterday’s post and think I was being ridiculous, and yes, my anxiety about the situation was ridiculous, but it was very real. I am proud of myself for facing it though, and I think from this point on I won’t just be working out in my home gym.

Finally, I am grateful for these heavenly chocolate coconut macaroons. These qualify as breakfast, right?



Enjoy your Sunday and all the good things that it will bring. Also, if you can score some macaroons, I highly suggest it.