I previously noted the name change to the blog, but why did this feel like the right choice for me? As I’ve already touched on briefly, a couple of years ago, I found myself stepping into a CrossFit box, and it terrified me. I had never been athletic, I always felt a bit awkward, and couldn’t even jump rope properly during one of my first on-ramp classes. My legs were kicking all over the place and I was struggling to breathe. Worse yet, I was in the class with just one other girl – someone much younger than me, who also happened to be a very well coordinated gymnast. It was downright embarrassing when the coach had to teach me how to jump rope and here she was showing off her mad skills on the rope, followed by a display of handstand walks as she obnoxiously tried to impress the coach, which fortunately didn’t seem to have the desired effect. Seriously…I had to learn how to jump rope. Something I did all the time when I was a kid, it should be easy, right? I wanted to run right out the door and never come back, but the coach was so supportive and encouraging, telling me that this is a common problem. I got the feeling that he may have just been trying to make me feel a little better, but either way, his support worked and I powered through despite Miss Gymnast’s antics, and came back for the next session. She, however, did not.
I continued to face fears with every class I attended, always feeling like I was never as good as anyone else, and I was sure that they would be making fun of me behind my back – but that was never the case. This wasn’t high school, after all. I remember the first day that I had to do a strict press with the barbell, I was just working with a 15 pound training bar to practice my form with the movement, and when it came time to add bumper plates to it, I was nervous. I built up the weight slowly and struggled a bit, but was so excited when I was able to lift 35 pounds over my head. It was pretty much all I could do at that time, but I couldn’t get over the thrill of what it felt like to lift weights. Picking up that barbell was, and continues to be, empowering. A level of confidence that I never experienced during my life started to creep in after spending some time with the weights, and seeing that I was capable of far more than I had ever realized continues to drive me to do even more with this life of mine. It isn’t always easy, I still struggle to maintain consistency with my workouts, and I clearly still experience anxiety from time to time, but when I think of lifting that barbell over my head for the first time, I am reminded of what it does for my soul.
The wanderings part of the new name really comes with the fact that this blog of mine is obviously a bit of a hodge-podge of me. Who knows where my journey through this life as a 40-something will lead me, but I have a pretty good idea of what I want out of it, and it definitely involves growth. Stepping outside of my box, facing things that scare me, and building myself into a strong and confident woman, this is where I want to be.