Groggy Head

ClockThe alarm rang quite early this morning and my groggy head just couldn’t be bothered to lift up off the pillow. The plan was to get back on track with my plan to to hit the gym before work in the morning, but I’m having a good deal of difficulty getting things back in order after all the time off from being sick. I did get my first workout back in on Tuesday this week, but I’ve been down again since then. My cough is still at it, waking me up in the middle of the night, which creates enough of a disruption that sleep is difficult resulting in the groggy head lift problem.

Without the workouts, I’m also making some poor food choices and resorting to those after work drinks again. It’s such a vicious cycle and one that I know I need to break. Why is it so hard to get back into a routine again? It wasn’t so long ago that I was going at it full force. I keep telling myself that once I get rolling, the motivation will come right back – but telling myself and actually doing it are clearly two different things.

The barbell is calling my name – it’s just a little difficult to hear over this bugger of a cough. Here’s to hoping for restful sleep tonight.


PRs and Celebrations


It’s the little things that mean a lot. Even my little 70# PR this morning – now that really means something to me. After over two weeks off of workouts while recovering from the pneumonia, I wanted to get out in the home gym and just get a little movement in this morning, and instead I ended up with a personal record on my push jerk. I almost didn’t even drag myself out of bed, I desperately wanted to just stay there and sleep. Getting back into the routine is tough, but today is my birthday and I told myself last night that I had to start this day off right…and it looks like I did.

There is really no other reason for this post, other than I wanted to celebrate – my upper body strength has always been a challenge, so hitting a PR at a point when my strength isn’t even at it’s best is definitely something worth celebrating. I hope your Tuesday shakes out to be just as good as mine is looking – push yourself to do something great today and it will be a good one!

Where I Want To Be

I previously noted the name change to the blog, but why did this feel like the right choice for me? As I’ve already touched on briefly, a couple of years ago, I found myself stepping into a CrossFit box, and it terrified me. I had never been athletic, I always felt a bit awkward, and couldn’t even jump rope properly during one of my first on-ramp classes. My legs were kicking all over the place and I was struggling to breathe. Worse yet, I was in the class with just one other girl – someone much younger than me, who also happened to be a very well coordinated gymnast. It was downright embarrassing when the coach had to teach me how to jump rope and here she was showing off her mad skills on the rope, followed by a display of handstand walks as she obnoxiously tried to impress the coach, which fortunately didn’t seem to have the desired effect.  Seriously…I had to learn how to jump rope. Something I did all the time when I was a kid, it should be easy, right?  I wanted to run right out the door and never come back, but the coach was so supportive and encouraging, telling me that this is a common problem. I got the feeling that he may have just been trying to make me feel a little better, but either way, his support worked and I powered through despite Miss Gymnast’s antics, and came back for the next session. She, however, did not.

I continued to face fears with every class I attended, always feeling like I was never as good as anyone else, and I was sure that they would be making fun of me behind my back – but that was never the case. This wasn’t high school, after all. I remember the first day that I had to do a strict press with the barbell, I was just working with a 15 pound training bar to practice my form with the movement, and when it came time to add bumper plates to it, I was nervous. I built up the weight slowly and struggled a bit, but was so excited when I was able to lift 35 pounds over my head. It was pretty much all I could do at that time, but I couldn’t get over the thrill of what it felt like to lift weights. Picking up that barbell was, and continues to be, empowering. A level of confidence that I never experienced during my life started to creep in after spending some time with the weights, and seeing that I was capable of far more than I had ever realized continues to drive me to do even more with this life of mine. It isn’t always easy, I still struggle to maintain consistency with my workouts, and I clearly still experience anxiety from time to time, but when I think of lifting that barbell over my head for the first time, I am reminded of what it does for my soul.

The wanderings part of the new name really comes with the fact that this blog of mine is obviously a bit of a hodge-podge of me. Who knows where my journey through this life as a 40-something will lead me, but I have a pretty good idea of what I want out of it, and it definitely involves growth. Stepping outside of my box, facing things that scare me, and building myself into a strong and confident woman, this is where I want to be.

What the F…ear?

This is going to sound silly, but I am nervous about heading back to my Crossfit gym this morning. As I’ve mentioned before, I’ve been away from it for quite some time after stepping away to deal with a minor injury and then just never going back other than to the occasional open gym. I was terrified the first time I went, and it scared me nearly every morning after that for a few weeks until I started to finally settle in – but every single time I faced the fear and I left feeling so empowered and proud of myself. I guess I would even liken the feeling to a high of sorts. But here I sit this morning, nervous about stepping back into that space, which I know is really ridiculous.

It is not a matter of being fearless. The fear is sometimes constant, but it’s about moving forward regardless of the fear. Courage means feeling the fear and doing it anyway. -Gillian Anderson

I committed to joining in a partner WOD (Workout of the Day for those who aren’t familiar with the lingo) with my husband this morning, as it’s a special one as a memorial and fundraiser for a dear member who was lost tragically just a few weeks ago. I want to go, I want to show my support, but why on earth am I feeling so much trepidation? I know I’ll have to scale the workout, which is fine, and I know that it’s only 13 minutes of work and it’s with my husband, so what’s the big deal? I wonder sometimes if I have a touch of social anxiety, which seems even more odd given that I am a very social person. But every so often, I feel like I clam up inside when I’m faced with the unknown. It wouldn’t seem like this situation presents too many unknowns, though, so who the F knows what my deal is?

Here is what I do know: I am going, I will face my fear and I’ll leave feeling amazing. So let’s do this.


Off Weeks and Small Victories

Sometimes you just have an off week, and this has been one of mine. It started with travel days, which can sometimes be tough for me to keep on solid track with my fitness goals. After two days of flying and lots of time being cooped up behind the wheel, I returned home to some pretty high stress situations to deal with at the office. Not only did I turn to alcohol for a relaxant as noted in my previous post, my eating was not exactly spot on. I tried to power through the workouts this week, and while I stuck with it, I just couldn’t quite push myself as hard as I had been. My energy level was just zapped. By last night, my body felt terrible – a muscle spasm had come on in my upper back and left me feeling just completely wiped out and achy. I used to suffer from these pretty extensively – mostly stress related – and it’s been almost a year since this reared its ugly head. They can be extremely debilitating for me, but fortunately this one is mellow enough that I should be able to get control if I am careful.

I have to listen to my body when this happens so I took it very easy when I got home last night, and even enjoyed a long, hot bath and went to bed early. I will admit, I poured myself a small glass of red wine to take to the tub with me – almost out of habit. I raised the glass with thoughts of this beautiful liquid easing my muscles and sending me into a gentle sleep, but the moment it reached my lips I was quickly faced with thoughts of how disappointed I was going to feel with myself in the morning. Remember the goals? Remember breaking the cycle? I set it back down and later it met the drain. Chamomile tea took its place. Victory.

ResetWith such an off week, it’s no wonder that I started feeling so lousy. I know myself well enough to know that I have to stay steps ahead of the stress, otherwise it will get the best of me. I didn’t treat myself right this week, I almost feel as though I just neglected myself altogether in so many ways. Today I will rest. Today I will focus on my well-being. Even thought it isn’t a scheduled rest day, I am listening to my body and will take this opportunity to reset. Off weeks happen, it just means that I can make next week so much better.

On a side note, I love Fridays for so many reasons, but today is also my Pay it Forward Friday. I love waking up thinking about what I’ll do to make someone smile today. I haven’t come up with my plan yet, but I look forward to figuring out. I encourage you to go out and do something nice for someone – a friend or a completely stranger, but something random and unexpected. It feels good to know that you’ve made a difference in someone’s life, even in just a small way.